because I'm sad

I just got home to an empty house with Penny. I knew it would be empty because I know Aaron has a rehearsal for FX tonight at Journey.

I have a fun evening of cleaning planned after I eat dinner. I'm not being sarcastic either. I don't mind cleaning.

But first, I just had to write for a minute. Because, like I said, Aaron's at work, and I don't have anyone hear to share my thoughts with except my blog.

If you've read this blog at all, or if you know me, you know I'm a full-time nanny. I have been for two years now. 

I started watching Bensen when he was 9 months old. And Keyen came along last September. Bensen is now almost 3. Keyen is 14 months.

I love Bensen and Keyen as much as I can love kids that aren't my own. And I love their parents. And I love my job. I've always wanted to take care of kids for a living, so, it's pretty much perfect.

But, a couple months ago, I had to give my three-months-notice. Not for any reason other than Aaron and I have been praying and planning to start our own family in the next year. I need to get my back problems in shape before that can happen so I won't be nannying anymore after Christmas.

It was a very hard decision to make, even if it is the right decision. 

After we made the decision that I was going to tell them, I would cry every time I even thought about it.

It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Even though I knew they would be completely understanding, which they were.

Surprisingly, I held it together when I actually told them and didn't cry. Very surprisingly.

And I guess after that, I've just not thought about it much because there's been so much to look forward to these days (birthdays, holidays, vacations...). Why bog down the fun thoughts with the sad ones?

Until now.

This afternoon when I brought the boys home, they were interviewing a girl. I knew they were having the interview, so it wasn't like a shock or anything. 

I took the boys inside, I told them about our day, and I excused myself to leave. 

I got in my car and pulled away.

And then it hit me. I only have like six more weeks with them. This is actually happening. I am not going to be their nanny anymore. Someone else (and wonderful she will be, I'm sure) will be taking care of them. I know they'll be in excellent hands. And I know I will still see them often. But, honestly, I'm really, really sad.

I sobbed the whole way home. And I'm still crying now. And just now my mom called, and I started all over again.

I am going to miss seeing those sweet boys every day so, so much.

But, I know that Aaron and I have exciting days ahead of us. And hopefully Bensen and Keyen will be around a lot, if I have any say in the matter. :)



Closing a chapter in life is so bittersweet.

So there it is. That's why I'm sad.

I got that off my chest.

And now a night of cleaning can commence.